I AM worth the halibut

One afternoon last summer, my husband suggested we have fish for dinner. I haven't made fish in a while so we agree that I would purchase and make halibut for us. We haven't had halibut in a long time. The teens had their own dinner plans so it would just be the two of us.

I arrive at the market, walk up to the fish counter and am taken back by the price per pound of halibut! $20 per pound for halibut steak!? That's $40 for the two of us. Immediately my "I am not worthy of this" kicks in. Why the heck do I do that? Why do I think I'm not worth $20 dollars a pound for halibut? It's not like we have this all the time. It's not like we can't afford it. My heart starts beating, and I think to myself "I will get Brian the halibut and I'll have ... tilapia". Praying that the fish guy behind the counter doesn't call on me yet.

Then I see halibut fillets. Ah. There, that's better, $10.99 per pound. That will be about $20 for the both of us. But then I think what if I ruin it then I just wasted $20. It's no secret I'm not the best cook. The self punishment for not being a better cook creeps in and I think maybe I don't even deserve to get halibut for $10.99 a pound.

"How can I help you?" Oh God, the fish guy is talking to me. "Um, yes, well I will take 1 halibut fillet and (long pause) 1 tilapia fillet." Did that just come out of my MOUTH? Did I just dis myself a halibut!?  Where does this come from? I take my fish assortment and the huge lump in my throat, pay for it and leave.

When I get home Brian asks with excitement "did you get us some halibut!?" my eyes starting to sting, "well, I got you the halibut and me .. tilapia" he looked so confused "why!?" the stinging in my eyes now starting to turn to moisture I simply said "I don't know." I couldn't go through the whole scenario like I did in my head at the fish counter. About how I feel like I'm not pulling my own weight financially because my whole career is going through a transition while I am being my artistic self. About me not feeling like I would do a nice halibut fillet any justice. About me just at that moment - not feeling quite good enough.

A few months after that episode of major self doubt I shared that story with a very special group of women in my five day intensive Feng Shui course taught by Alice Inoue . My husband believed in me taking this course and I allowed myself to feel "worthy" of taking that time for myself. The theme for me through the course was to "go for the halibut!" We shared a lot of great moments during that time and I came away with not only the Feng Shui knowledge but also permission to allow myself to just be me. No excuses, no shortfalls. Nothing against tilapia but I absolutely do prefer the halibut. (Special thank yous and appreciation to Alan Wong for a most memorable, delicious, celebratory dinner with my Feng Shui sisters and the most delicious HALIBUT I have ever had.)

I apply the "halibut syndrome" to a lot of things now and ask myself:  Why settle for less? Why put myself second, third, even last? Why put my dreams on hold? Stand up and go for the halibut! Because I'm worth it.